A WRITER'S LIFE
A Writer’s Life with Heige S. Boehm, author of Secrets in the Shadows (Ronsdale Press, 2019), features insightful conversations with writers. In each episode, we explore life behind the pen, delving into the creative processes, challenges, and joys that shape their work, as well as discussing their latest books. Perfect for readers looking to discover new writers or learn more about their favourite authors—and you just might pick up some great writing tips along the way. Whether you're an aspiring writer or an avid reader, A Writer’s Life offers inspiration and a behind-the-scenes look at the writing journey. Fostering understanding through stories, one episode at a time.
A WRITER'S LIFE
A WRITER'S LIFE ERIN STEELE
How do addiction and memoir writing intersect? In this episode, we sit down with Erin Steele, author of Sunrise Over Half-Built Houses, as she shares how her eclectic upbringing, personal battles, and vivid memories shaped her writing journey.
Erin reflects on identity, compassion, and the stigma of addiction, offering a fresh perspective on trauma, vulnerability, and the cycles of life choices. She opens up about the delicate balance of honesty and privacy in memoir writing, revealing the cathartic power of storytelling to transform isolation into connection.
Erin Steele is a writer, low-key philosopher and insatiably curious explorer of life. She writes On Being Human on Substack, is a 2022 Writing by Writersfellow and has been published in Human Parts by Medium. She currently lives in Kelowna, BC, Canada, where she studies all limbs of yoga, runs long distances on trails and nerds out on nature—particularly when the arrowleaf balsamroot explodes the hills yellow. Sunrise over Half-Built Houses is her first book.
https://www.instagram.com/erinsteelewrites/
Welcome listeners to A Writer's Life. I'm your host, heike Baum, the author of the novel Secrets in the Shadows. This is a place where I'll be in conversation with fellow writers. We'll discuss all things writing, they'll read from their latest works and we'll explore what happens beyond the pen in a writer's life. It's gonna be a page-turner. I just know it. Pull up a chair and join us Along with hosting this podcast. I'm also the writing guide instructor at Crow Storyhouse, where I share writing tips and lead workshops to help you bring your stories to life. Thank you for listening and being part of A Writer's Life.
Speaker 2:Consciously and deliberately crafted to convey these deeper things that I've learned in life and I want to convey, and I need to do that by using Welcome listeners to another episode of A Writer's Life.
Speaker 1:Today, I'm thrilled to have Erin Steele as my guest. Erin is a writer, low-key philosopher and an insatiably curious explorer of life's many facets. She's the author of the memoir Sunrise Over Half-Built Houses, where she reflects on the complexity of the human experience. Erin also writes on being human, on Substack, and her work has been featured in Human Parts by Medium as a 2022 writing by Writers Fellow. She brings a thoughtful and introspective approach to her craft. Currently living in Kelowna, bc, erin balances her writing with a love of nature, yoga and long-distance trail running From the beauty of arrowleaf balsam root blooming to the deepest quest of existence. Erin's curiosity and insight shine through her work. Erin, welcome to the show.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much, Haig. That was such an amazing introduction. Really appreciate that. So happy to be here.
Speaker 1:Wonderful. I'm just going to launch into this question. If you could describe your childhood home using three sensory details something you saw, something you heard and something you smelled what would they be, and how do those details capture the essence of what that time in your life felt like?
Speaker 2:Wow, okay, treehouse Van Morrison, enchiladas. Sorry, what was the last half of that question there? Sorry, what was the last half of that question there?
Speaker 1:How do those details capture the essence of what that time in your life felt like?
Speaker 2:You know, I would say it felt like a little patchwork of everything. You know, I think both my parents are very eclectic, quirky people and you know, the house I was raised in is actually it was the smallest house with the biggest yard in a neighborhood of you know, the suburbs, where it's, like you know, all houses are right beside each other, and so I spent a lot of time outside, you know, and then inside my mom was always playing music and cooking interesting food because she's from California, and so, yeah, I think I mean I think I've you sort of insinuated space in general and being introduced to things that you might not in the suburbs, where every house is just kind of blocked in, and yeah, Great answer, thanks.
Speaker 1:I'm going to read your prologue and then I'm going to ask you some questions and then I'm going to ask you some questions. I've changed completely and hardly at all. But this isn't a story about change, not really More like what moves us through the change. I've changed completely and hardly at all, but this isn't a story about change not really. But this isn't a story about change, not really More like what moves us through that change the pulling hunger, the vehicle. There are places, things I've done I'd like to keep hidden in corners. But a story needs shape, doesn't it? And the things we work so hard to hide do shape us, whether or not we admit them.
Speaker 1:So I'll start in the suburbs, in Fraser Heights, where everything is beautiful on the outside, manicured and kempt. Manicured and kempt, the kind of place that holds you by the wrists gently but with an ever-tightening grip. I'll start on a warm night. The darkness of the past, inconsequential. The Darkness of the Future, unimaginable, the Summer of 2002. 18 Years Old, the Smashing Pumpkins, david, my Boyfriend. What inspired you to write your memoir and what was the initial spark that led you to share?
Speaker 2:your story.
Speaker 2:I think you know, so interesting, the initial spark would have taken me way back into the days and you know I don't think it's too much of a spoiler alert to say that. You know, my book ends up delving fairly deep into addiction. My book ends up delving fairly deep into addiction and I would say the spark was, you know, back then, where. You know, I didn't have paper. I had a pen. I was always a writer. I was always a writer, even even since I was a child. I was a writer.
Speaker 2:And I just started getting this realization, even though you know I was, I was was messed up on drugs and my brain was not functioning optimally. But I just couldn't shake this idea that whatever this thing was that drove me to using drugs was very similar to what had driven me to, you know, the wrong kind of love, was similar to what drew me to even things like, you know, being a kid and sucking my thumb and like finding these external sources of comfort, and so I just like started, like ripping open cigarette packs at the time and like I'm gonna live a very clean life now, like I am not a smoker, like do not do drugs at all, you know, but at the time. So, like ripping open these backs of cigarette packs and just writing ferociously, just like crazy town, need to get this down, because I have all these ideas flowing through me and I mean, of course I'm living this life where I don't have the capacity to do much else, but those ideas were just so true to me and true in this way. That's like just that like deep knowing, um, and so that's, that really is where it started and, um, that sort of ends up being the structure of my memoir and that's sort of what I'm. I mean, I don't want to speak about this too deeply without spoiler alerts, but that's, those are the ideas that I, yeah, came across and I mean, so that would have been how long ago? I mean over to like 20 years ago for sure.
Speaker 2:So that's that's sort of where that spark and inspiration was almost just like I need to and and I didn't know when this was gonna happen you know, I did like at the time, my, there was no way that my brain was starting to, you know, think about writing a book or anything, even though that's always been sort of in the back of my head. But then one day I was living in Yellowknife, northwest Territories, and my partner at the time went to live in the mushroom patch for the summer to pick morel mushrooms. And then I just sat down at my computer one day and I started writing and I guess that was just time. So yeah, Wonderful.
Speaker 1:Your prologue mentions both complete change and hardly changing at all. Can you expand on what that?
Speaker 2:duality means to you and how it unfolds throughout your memoir? Yeah, absolutely, that's a good question Because it's a. I know that is a bit of a risk of a line so early on in a book because I know readers like and want and appreciate and need change, that sort of like evolution of spirit, emotional or you know, all kinds of change. I mean it's kind of what we read for in a lot of cases. So even that line specifically, yeah, is risky and deliberate and yeah, I mean what it means to me is sort of that idea where it's like, like I said, I'm these days I'm living a very, a very healthy life.
Speaker 2:You know I practice like physical asana practice every day, yoga study, the philosophies, you know, really allow myself to sit with my feelings and feel my feelings and but at the same time, even, I would say even within the last half of a decade, I would, I would need to go for a 5k run in the morning and if I didn't go for a 5k run I wouldn't feel like myself. And I think that's essentially what I mean there, where you know my book gets into the you know the character of me, or me back in the day, not feeling like myself, without drugs, living a very different life. That same governing thing makes me not feel like me without going for a run. You know which makes me, which made me just zoom out and realize that that's a lot more of this connective idea that I think people can understand. So that's what that line is about.
Speaker 1:So that's what that line is about. You write this isn't a story about change, not really. When, then, would?
Speaker 2:you say sorry. What then would you say, is the central theme or driving force behind your memoir? Well, it's about. It's about fulfillment. You know, if I were to distill it all down to one word, um, it's about fulfillment. And it's interesting because, like you'll see, the, the character I say the character just because I'm like, need space, need space, but it's uh. So, you will see, the character does change and the character does evolve, and the character does do things differently and the character repeats these cycles and I'm sure it's maddening for the reader at times, for sure, like, why are you doing this again? Why are you doing this again?
Speaker 2:You know, at the same time, what I really wanted to convey was the repetitious nature of these things. And you know, in the book there is a lot of like turning to substances. Oh, we're, now we're turning to this substance, and now we're turning to this substance. But I think the book also speaks to or illustrates transcending that as well. So it's like, oh, turning to this thing, well, that's very similar, but that's very different. And then, oh, during this thing, like, that's like we consider that a healthy thing in society. Maybe we understand each other better than we think we do.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, you hint at secrets or things you'd rather keep hidden. What was it like deciding what to reveal in your memoir, and did you feel a sense of liberation or discomfort in that process, which is a huge process?
Speaker 2:oh, yep, uh, I I felt a lot of discomfort. I feel very little liberation, to be, to be completely honest. Um, it's interesting. Yeah, so many thoughts with this. It's interesting, yeah, so many thoughts with this. It's like it's annoying.
Speaker 2:I think probably one of the most challenging elements of writing this memoir is putting things in there that I don't want to talk about, I don't want to write about, I do not, I don't, I generally, I generally don't talk about, and I think that's the sort of like I don't I generally, I generally don't talk about, and I think that's the sort of like friction between the damn writer in me and then the like human in me, and this human in me has an ego, and that human in me is like oh my gosh, people are going to judge me. Oh my gosh, what are they going to think? You know, and the writer in me is like which, maybe call it my higher self or whatever, but that side of me is like it doesn't matter. It's like these are your stories, but they're also not your stories. This is.
Speaker 2:You need to put this in there because you need to create and illustrate a character that has nuance and complexity and layers, and if you leave this out, then you've just scrubbed this clean and it's not going to have that resonance that just being unabashedly real in all my darkest corners is going to have, and that's what I want, and that's what I want to, that's what I want to convey. So I would say I feel a lot of discomfort. I feel I am going away to an alpaca farm this weekend Airbnb to just like hang out with alpacas and just breathe, and you know, because there's a lot of feelings, for sure, a lot of discomfort, but at the end of the day, you know, this was never a cathartic release, this was never a I need to get it down on paper. This was very consciously and deliberately crafted to convey these deeper things that I've learned in life and I want to convey, and I need to do that by using a flawed and real character, and it just unfortunately happens to be me or fortunately, we'll see.
Speaker 1:I guess it's too. It's getting comfortable with allowing yourself to be vulnerable, being vulnerable and being okay with being in a place of discomfort. I know for me, when I was writing my novel, there was so many areas that I felt really uncomfortable with. Once it did get published and it was just what I realized it's me being vulnerable and showing that vulnerability, and how is that going to be received by others, my vulnerability? Is it going to wound me or hurt me? And and there's a big part where you're always learning okay, how much do I tell, how much I don't, how vulnerable do I make myself and how strong am I, how thick is my skin to take that vulnerability? Um, the hits that could come with being so vulnerable.
Speaker 2:That's right, that's exactly it and that's the. You know. You really hit on this piece. I think you know this is probably one of my biggest life lessons, and it's since the book too. It is to welcome discomfort. It really is like if we as humans, avoid discomfort at all times which I mean in some ways we are neurologically programmed to do we miss out on so much richness of life and so much connectivity. You know, I think, the times in my writing where I have been most vulnerable.
Speaker 2:So I used to work at a newspaper, a little weekly newspaper in Northern Alberta, and I would write a weekly column called thoughts, and sometimes I would write political things and sometimes I would write about you know what city council is doing, but town council, but sometimes I didn't know what to write. So I would just write something really personal, because this is just kind of how I write, and I would, wednesday, the paper would come out and I would walk down main street and just feel like I was naked and on display and I would be like, what am I doing? Why do I do this? But then somebody would reach out and say, oh my gosh, like I can't believe, can't believe you said that, like that's exactly how I feel. Or like like wow, it was so moving reading that thing and I was like, oh, okay, and I found, 100% of the time, the more vulnerable I felt, the more discomfort I felt and the more I've done these things anyway, whatever they are, I end up feeling more connected on a human level to everybody and myself, even because I don't have a thick skin.
Speaker 2:To be honest, I'm a very sensitive. I am am a very I'm a very sensitive person and it's taken me a long time to embrace that with open arms, um, and not look at it as a problem. I'm even like on the flip side. If something good happens, I'm just like the most elated person in the world and I'm so full of joy and I'm so happy and like and like. I have to constantly have these little talks with myself. It's like Erin, it's good to feel happy, it's normal to feel sad, but what I've really been trying to do over all of these years is is find this deeper place inside of me, that is this center that sees and can, can observe all of the feelings and all of the thoughts and all of the reactions and all of the everything, and just hold steady and it's knowing and that's the place that I've been nurturing regularly.
Speaker 2:It's not a perfect system. No matter what, if some, if I get a bad review or poor feedback, of course it's gonna. Of course it's gonna feel sad, but that's also part of it too, where I'm like, okay, I feel sad now and that's normal and it makes sense, and then you know I won't be, and so just I think, um, the more resistance I have to any of my feelings, whether it's, you know, intensely good or intensely bad, the more I am almost like at the mercy of these things that truly are fleeting, so sensitive as I am, I just let things move through me and I try, I try in life and work and writing and receiving and all of those things, to not take things personally, and sometimes it's very hard and sometimes it's surprisingly easy.
Speaker 1:So just feeling through the world when we're talking about the discomfort of things, a question came to my mind. I'm not even sure it's a question your drug addiction earlier in your life. Do you think part of that was because of being so in such a place of discomfort, of accepting that you didn't want to feel that discomfort, using drugs to numb the fear around that?
Speaker 2:and discomfort, absolutely. So much of my addiction was about avoiding, avoiding discomfort and in a lot of ways it's a, you know, the sensitivity piece plays, plays a huge role in that, because it's like the, the intensity of feeling, um, I don't think I was able to handle it. You know, I didn't have, I didn't have tools to handle it. And you know, when I was happy, that's great. But when I was sad, or when I was hurting, or when I was, you know, feeling all of those so-called negative emotions, you know, falling in the wrong love with the wrong people, and just try the, the feelings associated with that, absolutely I could not handle it.
Speaker 2:And drugs gave me a way to basically remove the feeling and allow me to intellectualize on the feeling, which I've since really understood now as a coping strategy. So then I'm freaking expert. I could tell you everything about my patterns, I could tell you about everything, about all these intellectual characterizations of feelings, but I did not let myself feel my feelings for a long time because it felt so uncomfortable, and I think part of it is me, I think part of it is society as well. I think we're we're really in a society that's like here. Here's anything you need to avoid feeling uncomfortable. Take this and take that, and take that and pretty soon we're just not accustomed to being uncomfortable, we don't know how to manage it. Therefore, we avoid it. And then we're I mean really, we're buying things to feel better and we're drinking to numb. And yes, long-winded answer, absolutely, absolutely. So much of my drug addiction was avoiding discomfort, was numbing things out because it just felt too intense.
Speaker 1:Well spoken. You mentioned being 18 years old in the summer of 2002. What was it like for you to revisit that period of your life? Did your perspective on that time shift as you wrote?
Speaker 2:Interesting, yeah, so I mean it's interesting to go back to that time. I think, you know, recollection is interesting. I mean, I think we always have perspective looking backwards if we choose to notice it. But this is such a common question that I get is just from, you know, friends and people in my life is like was it cathartic to write your, your book and writing this? And I journaled throughout all of that time? You know what, Sometimes I'm like, oh man, you were in a rough place girl. But you know, I have all my journals and it's like that was sort of the release that I needed at the time and so revisiting it, it's a different perspective when I'm approaching it in a literary way.
Speaker 2:I think, yes, I'm always learning. I'm always a very introspective person by nature. I'm always sort of looking back at my life and sometimes it's very annoying where I'm like, oh, look at you 17 years later repeating the same pattern. Damn it, why are you doing this? And then she continues doing it Spoiler alert. But at the same think I think that's the gift and beauty of memoir, and you know, my memoir is really written. It reads like fiction in a lot of ways but interspersed through these vivid scenes and recountings of these times is my higher perspective that I have, or at least you know, had when I decided to cut it off and say this is the perspective I'm going to write from, because I'm always going to keep growing and evolving. My memoir will never be finished if I keep incorporating things that I've learned and all of that said.
Speaker 2:At times it was challenging to revisit those. I thought it was okay because I've, you know, processed a lot of things through my life. But it's like I do go back to some really tough times and then I like bring them to life in these very vivid scenes. That puts myself there and hopefully my readers as well, and I think, because I approach it with such a literary perspective and because I have done so much work around it and the, you know, cathartic release was a different thing. I think I underestimated, though, just how hard it was at times. For sure, cause I'm, you know, I did bring myself back there. I was feeling a lot of those feelings, and you know it. It was a lot of isolation, you know self-imposed or not, and a lot of, you know, confusion and tumultuousness inside of me.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, I mean it was.
Speaker 2:It was hard to write. I would have to definitely take breaks, and even throughout writing it, I think maybe I didn't give myself just the full love, maybe I needed to just feeling through some of that stuff. So yeah, it's.
Speaker 1:Wow. What role does memory play in your writing process? Did writing this memoir bring clarity or did it stir up new questions about your past?
Speaker 2:I think it brought. I mean, I mean, memory is an interesting thing, you know it's. What do they say? That you don't really remember? You don't remember, you don't go back to the original memory. You remember your. You remember the last time you thought about the thing you know. So it is this fickle thing. You know, I think I came at this book, at least when I started revising it, because I think at first I just needed to like write everything out. I went through eight or nine drafts throughout this process. It did a lot of writing, revision, but you know, pretty early in the process I knew what I wanted to accomplish with it on a literary level. I don't know. I think I came, I think I brought that clarity to it and then I kind of put, I worked the story into that sense of clarity and then so like that meant the this I deleted scene. I am telling you things that I thought were just beautiful, I thought you were just like. You know those like oh, look at me, go, that's great. Oh, that's good.
Speaker 2:And it's like oh, I have to delete it because it doesn't conform to the theme, Damn it. So there was a whole lot of that and I think that's just because I like, as early on I just I had that vision and I didn't want to waste people's time. I mean, it's a memoir like a memoir and I'm like you say, I have a low key presence. I'm like a, you know, kind of a shadow. I mean, in some ways I'm not out there building a big online presence. So I knew that I couldn't waste people's time and I needed to make it something that people who don't know me could get something from.
Speaker 2:And that was really just looking at that theme and questioning what is the nature of addiction. You know why? Why are we just looking at addiction, as you know, drugs and and alcohol and people who are living without homes, and and then we're like oh, this is so, this is so, not us. But I know from personal experience that I mean I can't say everybody, because I can can only speak for myself, but between my own experience and the vast different things that I've turned to for some sort of external sense of fulfillment that have been vastly different and still similar and carrying the exact same emotional energy. It's just a truth that I know, and so that's what I was trying to convey and that's what I sort of built everything around once I started drafting more built everything around once I started drafting more.
Speaker 1:Did you use any kind of techniques, prompts, imagery to trigger memories? Did you have a hard time recalling certain memories and if so, what did you do? How did you get to those?
Speaker 2:Well, I'm see I'm very lucky because I'm a compulsive journaler. So I really accept there was one stint and I mean this is in my book that I ended up throwing my journal in the garbage because I couldn't bear to look at it. So that's the part that I had to go by memory and really what I did was, yeah, I mean I nothing specific, but I just went back to the time in my life with the best of my, in the best of my ability, with my memory, you know, and disclaim that at the beginning of beginning of my memoir. And yeah, that's it. And I do have a very visual way of thinking and so, you know, it's like I can this is the like high school portion. It's like I can see those hallways in high school. I can see, you know, the, you know the way the light reflects on the, the laminate floor, like those little things. I can, you know, remember, I can remember how I felt, you know, I can remember just those feelings very vividly and I think that yeah.
Speaker 2:I think I just just sort of wrote through it and then I did.
Speaker 2:I did go through and be like wait a second, okay, like making sure I have the dates right and, um, this and that, but I I allowed myself to remember what I remembered and then made sure that it conformed to the theme, and I think that's kind of the thing that can be sometimes misunderstood about memoir, or people approach it in different ways, where it's like you know, this is not the story of a life, like I'm not going to write about every single day of grade eight, but I'm going to remember these moments and generally I trusted myself that those, those specific moments were the ones that I remembered, that had the level of emotional impact that I needed them to remember, that I wouldn't have to go excavate things that I think I was forgetting, because those were clearly those emotional punches that meant something.
Speaker 2:And then everything else I had journals for for and it was easy to be like, okay, this, no, this, that, that. So yeah, it's interesting, it's uh, yeah, it's interesting process to to go back to some of the toughest times of my emotional life and my emotional journey, um, you know, and pull them out into, into something that into rebuilding those scenes again for the world. It's a, it's a funny thing.
Speaker 1:How did you decide on a certain theme that runs throughout your memoir Did did you just notice it or purposely you wrote towards that theme?
Speaker 2:I purposely wrote. I mean, it's just sort of that. You know what we talked about earlier. It's like the theme is really about the nature of addiction and the ways that addiction can manifest in a life, and I I knew that's what I wanted to write about. There was a lot of, you know, I wrote a lot of things that weren't that, that are now, unfortunately, buried in the ground, very sadly filed away somewhere. Yeah, I the theme was pretty clear early on and and I stuck to it because that's there's things I just really wanted to convey and that is the most important thing Like, at the end of the day, my life, it's, it's not about my life, even though it is. You know, it's like I'm a character in in my own story, using my awareness of my emotions and my patterns in my interior life and my ability to convey that in a way that is nuanced and complex, to tell this story that I hope has more universal appeal. Because it's yeah, it's just it's not's not about, it's not about me, even though it's about me.
Speaker 1:I think, I hope and it's a way of getting distance, so you can actually write about it in a different way and accept those challenges, those hard moments, those, those actions, those things that happen to us. I I think by by viewing yourself as okay, this is a character, you're able to establish a certain kind of distance.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that's a hundred percent necessary. I definitely like I, I need, I needed to distance myself from that because I needed to make decisions that were literary and in the best interest of the reader and the theme that I was trying to convey. Not what made that human me, with the ego and the fears and all of those things, feel better, because then it's just going to flop, it's not going to be what I need it to be. So it was a constant practice of literary me characterizing human me and human me being like why are you doing this? I don't want this in here. And literary me being like it has to be in here. This is the story. You are the character.
Speaker 1:So yeah, nice. What do you love most about trail running and can you share a memorable experience you've had on the trails that impacted your writing or personal insight?
Speaker 2:Oh man, wow, I love so much about trail running. I love so much about it and I think what I love the most about it is going to kind of come down to more of a soulful, spiritual thing, and I think it's that being out there on the trails in the fresh air, moving, hearing the sound of my footprints on the foot, footsteps on the trails, put steps on the trails, you know, feeling my heartbeat, feeling my breath, like all of these rhythms, feeling the sunshine, looking at the season I mean looking at autumn and summer and even winter and moving through snow, and it's like getting out there gives me access to this place. It's like that that I've I've already talked about a little bit to this place. It's like that I've already talked about it a little bit in this interview it's like that deep space inside me that is able to observe my feelings and observe my thoughts and observe everything that's happening around and just be in full, true, genuine presence, all of my senses there. That's what trail running gives me access to. That's what I love about it most.
Speaker 2:Um and gosh, I mean as far as meaningful moments on the trails. I just I've, you know, I'm in this trail running community in my town and I, some of my deepest, most meaningful friendships have been with people on trails, because we're out there for three to five hours on a Sunday at times and we just, you, talk about everything and you, you meander through these sort of long stories of life and you, you have conversations that I think you know, in our society, where we're so connected all the time to everything, we're actually so much more disconnected from everything much of the time, and it's, you know, I mean podcasts. This is a beautiful example of being able to sort of nurture that space for conversing and being and connecting in this way, because I think, yeah, it's yeah, a lot of that gets lost. And with trail running, I think I don't have a specific moment, but I just think all of the moments and all the conversations, and you know I'm, I think I'm at my most gleeful in a lot of ways on a trail run as long as I've like new, like eat, as long as I'm eating right and eating every hour because I'm also.
Speaker 2:I mean this is not to say there have not been lows in Trail of Very Lows. Why am I out here? Why do I do this? This is insane. So just for balance, it's not all glory, but at its best it is. It's one of my favorite things in the world for sure.
Speaker 1:Would you delight our listeners and read an excerpt from your memoir Sunrise Over Half-Built Houses, love Longing and Addiction in Suburbia.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. Hatches of forest in Fraser Heights are constantly bulldozed for new houses which are being built bigger and bigger. Earthworms and voles have to get out of the way for concrete basements. Redwood, oak and Douglas' fir roots are obliterated as families put down roots of their own invisible and symbolic defining home through structure. At night, our group visits these partially built houses, walking gingerly on crossbeams, drinking getting high, watching diligently for nails. On this particular day, the streets are iced on the back end of a freeze-thaw-freeze cycle. A light snow fell the night before and, uncharacteristically, hasn't melted by mid-morning.
Speaker 2:When I meet Ava inside a half-built house across the street from my elementary school, halfway between our homes, inside an industrial lamp emanates an illusion of warmth. I wear a knee-length scarf which I've wrapped around my neck and shoulders, transforming me into a multicolored Michelin man. The house smells of fresh lumber and as I walk up the stairs, taking care with each step, I wonder about who would live here eventually, whether they'd think about their family home in its skeletal state now when wind pushes through its spaces and strangers walk its floors, assembling it piece by piece. History is longer than we imagine. I hear what I hope is Ava coming through the space where the front door will eventually be Hello. She's loud and has no inhibitions. Each of my footsteps makes a sound and I'm certain she'll decipher my keen pace as I head toward her. She's wearing a shark-colored toque with prominent corners, her black hair, an open semicircle around its bottom, and she smiles up at me. I notice those wide-set blue-green eyes, bright in the artificial light. I greet her, probably too enthusiastically. She closes in on me without hesitation and we embrace, and I desperately want to kiss her, but hold back, unsure how she'll react.
Speaker 2:These days we spend every day together and while it feels like our touches and gazes linger, we've been platonic. We hold each other longer than friends would, but stop just in time to make my head crazy. Still, I could burst with love, with anticipation, and yet I tell myself this isn't fair. I'm in love with her, wanting so much more, and she thinks of me as a friend. She asks me what I'm doing today and I moved to gush, but I hold it in. I want to spend the day with her. I want to spend every day with her, every second, and it makes me feel creepy, almost how I was with Suella. And it makes me feel creepy almost how I was with Suella. She tells me she's going for lunch with her mom.
Speaker 2:My inner world is swirling and sparkling light with feelings for her winning the battle against my meek attempts at suppression, ava I. She stops me by drawing nearer, with unmistakably loving eyes. Sometimes she looks so chill and relaxed and calm. She wraps her arms around my waist and nuzzles her head into my neck. The corner of her toque itchy on my skin. She then brings her face up to mine and looks unabashedly into my eyes. Erin, I don't need to hear anything else. We kiss, lit by orange lamps, in cold December air From my core light shines as powerfully as a conductor's arms in the air during the climax of a symphony. And I'm home, this is home. This is need fulfilled, this is need fulfilled. Then Ava pulls back just slightly. Want to do crystal tonight. It's like the power goes out in the symphony hall and the instruments confusedly stutter to a halt, gasps and murmurs. But what I say is sure. I'm surprised at how definitive it sounds.
Speaker 1:Beautiful, just beautiful. Thank you. What do you hope readers take away from your memoir and what message do you want to convey through your writing?
Speaker 2:I hope readers take away that we all have so much more in common than we sometimes think that we do as humans, no matter how vastly different our opinions are. And that goes for, you know, all sides of the spectrum. And what was that last question? What was the last half of the question?
Speaker 1:what message do you want to convey through your writing?
Speaker 2:I think I want to convey a message of of connection, just that of connection, that we can all understand each other and what we call addiction is more relatable than some of us may choose to believe, and I hope that can breed some compassion that is very much needed in this world compassion that is very much needed in this world.
Speaker 1:Nice, were there any surprises or revelations you encountered while writing your memoir that you hadn't anticipated?
Speaker 2:Tough because I anticipated that it would be very challenging sharing it with people who appear as characters in it, sharing it with people who appear as characters in it but I anticipated it to be extremely challenging and it was even more challenging than that on an emotional level. I think that has been the most, the most difficult. You know, I put myself out there and I wish a lot and I wish that I could be the only you know character in my memoir, but that's impossible. So, you know, I've had to handle a lot of other people and do that with the utmost care and respect and also honesty. But that has been a very, a difficult, challenging balance because I don't want to hurt anybody. I don't want to. You know, I don't want to make anybody feel like they've been exposed in some way or that you know I even have a certain opinion about them. Yeah, it's that has not been easy.
Speaker 2:I will definitely be writing fiction next, um, because it's it's a hard. It's a hard thing to you know and understandable to explain to a person that, like, hey, I wrote a memoir and you're in it and um want to read and tell me what you think. And you know people have different opinions, of different characterizations of situations, and I've, you know, in the end, I've had many beautiful connective conversations with people who, you know, just sort of holding the space for their emotions as well as my emotions through this whole process and I think, you know, in the the end, people have come to to understand and either give me their blessing or their, you know, acceptance, you know, or tolerance, I guess, in some cases, um, but that has been that's, that's been a big, a big challenge and, uh, something that, yeah, it's not for the faint of heart that leads me into the next question.
Speaker 1:How did you balance honesty with the need to protect the privacy of the other people mentioned in your story?
Speaker 2:I. Yeah, basically I changed. There are a lot of names and descriptions changed significantly and that's essentially how I balanced it. Like, yeah, basically some people are totally disguised as far as where they're from, what they look like, you know, what their names are, things like that. And that's essentially what I have done. I mean, for some people, I shared, as soon as I got my book deal, I shared it with the people that I needed to share it with and, you know, was completely open and willing to have any sort of conversation that they were willing to have. And, you know, a couple people were like you have my full blessing to write whatever your your soul deems you need to write. Thank you, lenny, you are amazing, but Lenny, fake Lenny.
Speaker 2:You know, other people were really confused and surprised and didn't understand and, you know, had concerns about, you know, their families now or their, you know lives now, and I made sure that I disguised who they were and so that people are not going to be able to put two and two together. But, yeah, it was very important to me to do that. It was just I, you know. I do know that I've checked all my boxes, but it's still scary that. What if I got something wrong or what, if you know it's um, kind of real concerns, although I do know that you know I've done, I did a lot of, a lot of, you know, due diligence, as well as emotional labor and heavy lifting, and because I mean it was important to me, because it's it can be really tough to convey to people that you know it's a literary endeavor and I need, you know, tell a story this certain way, but of course it's it's different when these are based. I mean, these are real people and they're real stories. So it's it was a challenge.
Speaker 2:It continues to be a challenge in the sense of um, I just don't want to hurt anybody, basically, and and I think my publisher at the very beginning said to me wow, like you definitely go hardest on yourself through this, and it's true, I, I, I do, and that was important to me too where I could, you know, I had a couple conversations like, just please read the book and look at me, you know, like, look at the character of me, the most flawed, the most, you know, exposed in all of those ways, and some of the tougher conversations that I've had, that has allowed them to, you know, give me their the tolerance that they need.
Speaker 2:But I mean, it's tough when you were talking about some of the toughest times in people's lives and I, I do have a lot of compassion for you know my characters, and then also I'm like myself too, you know it's, it's. It's so interesting because it's like, yes, I'm a character in this book, but that's that's not me. You know, I think it would. I I wonder how things are gonna look. I think people are going to, you know, feel like they know me really well and and they once they read my book and they do and they will, but it's also not me, but it, you know it's it's part of you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's not all of you, that's right there's more to you.
Speaker 2:That's right. It's it's complicated and it yeah, it's not all of you, that's right. There's more to you, that's right. It's it's complicated and it's weird and there's like problems. You can't really Google and find solace. You know it's, it's a, it's been an interesting, an interesting journey. But all of that challenge and difficulty aside, it's all felt more important. It's felt more important to move through it and publish this book, nice.
Speaker 1:How do you think your narrative challenges stereotypes or misconceptions about addiction and identity?
Speaker 2:Wow, I mean, I think it gives a perspective on addiction that disallows people to put up silos in their understanding between their stereotype of people who struggle with addiction and themselves. You know, I think it's so easy, I mean, in these days, when you know the opioid crisis is just raging on and on and on, I think people are starting to know somebody, who knows somebody if not in their own families. You know, it's becoming a lot more pervasive and people are almost you almost have to look at it, but I don't think we're looking at it in a compassionate enough way as society, because we saw, through COVID and the pandemic, that as soon as there's something that we need to do to save lives on a scale that couldn't have been bigger on the global realm, we made changes and we made that happen. And something like the opioid crisis, which is killing more and more and more people every day, we're not making things happen, and that is because of stigma, and that is because of this us and them mentality, and somehow people are able to moralize the issue and look at it as a moral failing, even if they're not consciously thinking that way. You know, I think it's so our biases, I think, can be so ingrained in our subconscious we don't even realize how it is governing us on individual and societal levels. And so I think I hope my book gives a gives a look at a trajectory that can happen to anybody, and that addiction is never about the actual drug, it's about, you know, like we talked about earlier numbing, and you know, coping with, with trauma, or coping with sensitivity or big feelings or all of these different things.
Speaker 2:And Dr Gabor Mate I mean even I, came to this realization as I was, you know, living my own story of addiction. And then, I don't know how many years later, he came up with In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts, where I was, I read, I'm like, yes, this is exactly what I know to be true, based on my lived experience. And you know, for those people who are not familiar I think many people are these days but you know, he really he does talk about addiction and in the same way I've experienced it where it's. It's so much it can be anything he talks about actually his experience as he was working delivering babies as a doctor and he had an addiction to buying CDs and he was going into these CD stores at like. Like, woman is about to have baby and he needs to go buy his CDs and he's going to do that because it makes him, you know, feel whatever and it's like, yes, that is exactly what I experienced, it's exactly what I know to be true.
Speaker 2:And if we could just take this moral lens off of drug use, I think we would do a lot better of society and we wouldn't be able to say, oh no, they're making bad choices or whatever sort of thing we do in this rich country that is allowing so many people who are hurting in various ways to die, and politicians are turning it into political issues and campaign issues. I realize I'm ranting a little bit here but, it's great.
Speaker 2:You know things like safe, safe consumption sites. Why is that even a political issue right now? Why is this on an election platform? Is this on an election platform? These are human beings who are, in most cases, going to die because the drug supply is poison and they don't have the resources, even in those little glints of moments where they may be able to, to seek change or seek help, those supports don't exist. You know so I'm.
Speaker 2:I hope you can see throughout my book the character of me. I mean, it's, it's heavy, it's a tough read, we go through dark times, but you see all these little moments where I'm like this is not the life I want to be living, this is not where I want to be, this is not what I. What am I doing? Why am I? You know, up at four in the morning in this park about to try crystal meth for the first time. Where, where's my warm bed? You know these moments. Try crystal meth for the first time Where's my warm bed? You know these moments. And then try crystal meth and then you're back in that cycle of addiction and it continues. And I don't have those moments and the character of me, I, whatever, don't have those moments again and this is what it's like.
Speaker 2:I mean, nobody sure maybe somebody's not thinking all the time about getting off drugs, but there are those glints. I believe, At least that's been true for me. I can't speak for everybody who is addicted to things, but if we as a society can meet those glints with love and compassion and support and resources and funding and all of the things that we need, then we make a difference. But it's not happening and there's a there's a reason it's not happening because we saw with COVID that it's possible period and it's not happening. And there's a there's a reason it's not happening because we saw with that it's possible period and it's got to be the moralization of it. It's yeah. So it matters a lot to me and I do hope that this can help in some way really well spoken identity.
Speaker 1:Yeah, in some way.
Speaker 2:Really well-spoken identity. Yeah, so how does, how does my book break down? I mean, oh, I didn't. I mean, identity is such a, it's such a big, beautiful word. Yeah, yeah, I mean, what is identity? You know I could wax philosophical on this and, yeah, I think identity can also be like connective, like a community. You know, I think I and this is a big question At the end of the day, I think everything feels very simple to me in the way that we are born and we live this existence.
Speaker 2:That's finite and we all know on an intellectual level that we're going to die. But I don't think we really know that. Until we know that, you know and by know that I mean I don't think we really until we feel it in the somatic fibers of our body, most likely because of an unexpected experience with death, or somebody who we couldn't possibly fathom no longer being with us is suddenly dead and our little brains have to actually wrap around that reality. I don't think we know that and I think that you know, identity can be a lot of different things, but at the end of the day we are human beings with conscious awareness and then we're going to die. I know it might sound a bit.
Speaker 1:No, I say that always.
Speaker 2:we go on and on and they go and then we're going to die, and then like and then we're going to like and then we're going to die Like we, we are going to die, and it's like, it's like so much of this stuff is window dressing. You know, it's like so much of this stuff is window dressing, you know, it's like so much of this stuff doesn't matter, even the things that matter so much. You know it's a, it's an interesting, it's an interesting thing and it's also, it's also this great equalizer, it's that thing that, no matter who you are, who we are, we all have this thing in common. And it's scary and it's confusing and, as much as some people might want to think they have the answers, nobody knows what happens next. And that is a crazy thing. That is a. That is the great, that is the greatest unknown, you know. And it's like why can't we all just simplify it, like if we could simplify our understanding of all the crap? You know what really does matter Taking care of each other, being compassionate and there for each other and understanding of each other that, no matter what's going on, we're all facing this exact same thing together, whatever that means, whatever that looks like, and that makes everything else so such a precious gift.
Speaker 2:And I feel like even saying that I have a lot of privilege to even be stating that. You know, I, I have a, I have a roof over my head, I have food in my stomach, I have people who love me. You know, I have all of these things. It's a privilege for me to sit back and say, oh yeah, I'm going to die, which makes me feel like I for those people who don't have that privilege. And when it comes to things like, you know, addiction or things like identity, you know, people turning trans issues into a political issue, what? Why can't we just love and care for each other and respect each other and stop fighting about stupid dumb shit? Just like let people be who they are.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, exactly Beautiful. Last question If you could sit down for coffee with your 18-year-old self the one from the summer of 2002, what's the first thing you would tell her and what's the first question you'd ask her?
Speaker 2:The first thing I would tell her is I love you, you are beautiful Really. Oh, she suffered and struggled so much and just believed that she was just at the most, had such little worth and such little like who she was, was intrinsically flawed. And I would just tell her you are so special and loved is what I would say. And the first question I would ask, the first question I would ask her if I could go see my 18 year old self. Oh gosh, what would I ask her? And I think I would just, I think I would just want to convey that I'm, I've always been, that I've always been in her, you know, just like she's always in me.
Speaker 2:And there's that quote that I actually opened my book with, that is you're every age, you've ever been and ever will be. And you know, I think we all have all these layers that are all, I think, simultaneously existing. You know, and I just, you know, even these days when I get, when I get overwhelmed with something in life, I'm like, oh, like what would? What? Would the future self of me come and tell me, you know, and it's like I could be that to my past self and future self. So I mean question. I don't know. I would say what beautiful thing did you notice today? Stay focused on that. You know she got in her head so much and she, yeah, she felt through a lot of pain that was unnecessary. Yeah, she felt through a lot of pain that was unnecessary. And yeah, tough, tough 18-year-old just sad and I just want to love her and hug her now very much, beautiful.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much for joining us today, erin. It's been a pleasure hearing about your journey and your incredible insights. Before we wrap up, could you let us listeners know where they can purchase your memoir Sunrise Over Half-Built Houses and how they can find out more information about you and your work?
Speaker 2:Absolutely, yep. Thank you so much, haig. I've absolutely loved being here. It's just been. It's just been such a pleasure. So really appreciate this. Yep, my book is out now so you can find it in bookstores, everywhere you can find it. Basically, anywhere books are sold is where you can find it. And I just want to give a quick shout out Thank you to my publisher, caitlin Press, if that's okay. I just they believe Vicki Johnston believed in my book from the beginning, so I they have just been absolutely wonderful, yeah, so yeah, anywhere books are sold. It is out now and super hope you enjoy it. You can find me on Instagram at Erin Steele writes. You can find me on my website at erinsteelecom, or you can find my sub stack called on being human and that's erinsteelesubstackcom. I've been in a little bit of a frenzy so I haven't posted in a while, but I send philosophical meanders directly to your inbox, so I really enjoy doing that when I have the capacity for it. So thank you so much. Really appreciate this opportunity.
Speaker 1:That was Erin Steele on A Writer's Life. Her memoir Sunrise Over Half-Built Houses, love Longing and Addiction in Suburbia is in bookstores now. That was so much fun. How was it for you?
Speaker 2:It was great. It was great, thank you. It was fun, fun. I love your questions, I love the conversation.
Speaker 1:It's just like yeah thank you for joining me on this episode of a writer's life. Have you dreamed of being a writer? Have a memoir or story or book you've been longing to write? Now's the perfect time to start. At Crow Story House, I share guidance and lessons to help you master the craft of writing by hands-on support. I offer online guided writing workshops through Crow Story House. You don't need prior writing experience, just the passion for storytelling and a desire to learn. For more information on these workshops, go to wwwcrowstoryhousecom. And if you've enjoyed this podcast and found value in these conversations, your support is truly appreciated. You can buy me a coffee to help keep a writer's life going. It's a simple way to support the show and ensure I can continue bringing you no-transcript.